*This article is a work of satire intended for entertainment in our school newspaper. While inspired by common student and teacher experiences, all characters, events, and quotes are fictional. No actual teachers were harmed in the avalanche of late assignments—probably.
MADISON, Ind. — As the end of the nine-week grading period looms, teachers across the district have begun sending out reminders and hard deadlines for missing assignments—sparking a mass student realization that deadlines still exist.
According to a recent totally-real-and-not-made-up study, 86% of students reportedly wait until the final 24 hours to submit essays and assignments that were due “at some point in the last geological epoch.” Researchers cite fear of bad grades, a chronic underestimation of time, and good old-fashioned laziness as the leading causes.
One teacher, however, has reportedly reached their psychological limit after receiving a late work avalanche that rivaled an avalanche but made of poorly formatted Google Docs.
“They just kept coming,” the teacher said, rocking gently in their rolling chair. “I assigned two essays, three labs, and a packet. I couldn’t have assigned this much work. I couldn’t have.”
Eyewitnesses say the teacher entered a “shell-shocked” state despite having no military experience. “We handed in everything during 7th period, and by 3:07 they were just… gone. Like, physically present but spiritually evacuated,” said one student. “I asked if I could do extra credit and they blinked at me like a haunted doll.”
The teacher has allegedly developed a startle reflex to the sound of rustling paper and now instinctively curls into the fetal position whenever a student approaches holding anything resembling a worksheet.
District officials have offered no formal comment but did roll out a support plan including stress balls, a rotating sub, and an emotional support guidance counselor.
Meanwhile, sources confirm the teacher has not yet begun writing the quarterly test, which is due at the same time as final grades.
“They’re just sitting in the dark now,” said a colleague, peeking into the room. “Last I heard, they were muttering something about MLA citations and vengeance.”
